LOSS—GRIEVING—HEALING—LOVING

Saturday, March 12, 2011

IMPORTANT TIPS FOR MANAGING THE HOLIDAYS WHILE GRIEVING

While grieving we go through many firsts as important dates come up on the calendar. Whether it’s the first anniversary, birthday or holiday, it’s good to have coping strategies in place to rely on to help us cope.

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time. While we are used to being with our family members during this time, tragically, an important person in the family is missing. And while we take comfort in having family close—whom we depend on for support—often while in their midst we still feel sad or lost remembering past occasions and events because this time of year is particularly ripe with upsetting memories. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays, a difficult time of year for the bereaved.

1. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – Whatever way you might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements, unusual flowers, something that was not tried before. Asking the guests to bring a small gift for a grab bag. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past and not doing things exactly the same way.

2. MAKING PLANS – When the bereaved have too much time on their hands, they begin to think and reflect. Often painful thoughts will come up comprised of past memories and events that were shared with the one they loved. Making plans for the holidays help people cope with change and leave them with some structure and things to do. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. We are reminded at holiday time by advertising, music, sales and a great deal of visual stimulation so that it appears that everyone in the world is having a good time and a place to go. When plans are made, people often feel that they have something to look forward to and share.

3. LIVING IN THE MOMENT – Worries often increase when people go too far ahead in their thinking. If we learn to breathe and stay in the moment, we learn how to be just in “the now”. In this way, we can fully appreciate the moment that is “Now” and not some other moment to come. We can be fully present and observing just what is in front of us. This may sound simple but people tend to over-analyze and over-think too many things. An example might be that if we look at a flower, really look at it, we begin to notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. If we can look at every aspect of that flower as if it were the first time we can truly discover it. There can be great joy in living in the moment and not the past and not the future. It gives us a break from our thoughts and minds and allows us to appreciate the present moment we are in. Often we don’t have to do anything with it but notice it. It is a good break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – When we are grateful for life’s blessings and for what we have, we distract ourselves from what is wrong with our lives. We fixate and ruminate less on what is missing. Being thankful for our children, our healthy minds and bodies. Being willing to be appreciative all the small things in our lives that make up the big things. Our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply increases our sensitivity and awareness of the world around us.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise is a good antidote for stress through the holidays and stress at other times as well. Enjoying exercise on a regular basis is something good to include in our lives. Whether we walk, swim, bike ride or hike, moving our bodies allows us to be outdoors and observe nature. It often takes us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety which often accompanies early grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise that give our mood a lift. Exercise is often prescribed for depression and depressive thoughts.

6. NUTRITION – The bereaved often cannot eat, do not enjoy food, or may be inclined to eat too much or eat junk foods. Often the grieving person loses interest in food shopping because they don’t know how to shop for one, or they don’t want to cook for themselves. Appropriate nutritional habits are important through the grieving period because the immune system is down due to stress. Everything one can do to stay healthy is helpful. One of the signs that the bereaved is doing better is the indication that they care again about proper nutrition and make the effort to eat more than cheese and crackers. If a bereaved person was a caregiver and spent a lot of time cooking for an ill spouse they would have to learn to slowly convert this energy and give themselves permission to take good care of themselves. This is appropriate and not an indulgence. It is not selfish; it is good self-nurturing.

7. ADEQUATE REST – Sleep often gets disturbed during times of extreme stress. Being mindful of getting enough sleep is a good idea since sleep patterns can be interrupted. People often report that they may fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep. If one was used to sleeping in a bed with their spouse, there is an increased awareness of the empty bed. People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during high stress times. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea. It is important to not over stimulate the mind at least an hour before bedtime.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Calling and making arrangements for activities and having plans are useful for getting through the holidays. Friends and family can provide comfort, safely, warmth and love. Surround yourself with the people that bring out the best in you. Talk to your friends and allow them to include you in their plans.

Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less attached to being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life that care and want to be with you. Initiate a dinner or a movie or some activity to share. Be with friends or family members that help you decrease your stress not increase it and look forward to the fact that next year will be easier for you. It is the first experience of holidays that is the most difficult to get through. Encourage yourself to participate. Hopefully, next year will be easier and you will have more events to look forward to that bring you joy.

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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Guide to Children & Grief

A GUIDE TO CHILDREN & GRIEF: What You Should Know & How You Can Help by Miri Rossitto is an important new ebook which addresses the special needs of children and grief. Available at http://www.valleyoflife.com, in keeping with its full range of information, this helpful ebook also breaks down grieving into age groups as children at different stages of development demonstate and articulate their grieving differently.

Miri Rossitto says,

"By the age of 18, one in five children will experience the death of someone close to them.
One in 20 children experience the death of one or both of their parents before they turn 15.
Yet despite these astounding statistics, few general resources exist on how to help grieving children. This Guide to Children and Grief is intended to provide an introduction to issues common to grieving children.

"You will learn:
• how children grieve differently than adults
• what to say and do to help grieving children
• where to find additional resources to help you and the child

"This guide is intended to help the parents, teachers, friends, and mentors who provide comfort and support during a child's grieving process.

"Grief is a natural, healthy human process for recovering after a major loss. Although the experience of grief is difficult, it's crucial for emotional growth. Like any suppressed emotional response, unreconciled grief can have significant negative effects. As a responsible, caring adult, your task is important: allow the child or children to fully experience and learn from their grief."

Bravo to author Miri Rossitto for helping children to grieve and heal by providing this excellent resource to the adults who care for them.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Helpful Do's & Don'ts for the Bereaved & Friends and Family of the Bereaved

For the Bereaved:

Do give yourself permission to not hurry your bereavement; it takes as long as it takes.

Do allow yourself to have a good time. You are entitled.

Do the rituals of purging the house when you feel up to the task.

Do take off the rings, when it feels like the right thing to do.

Do send out the thank you notes, when you feel ready to do this.

Do go out with your friends and socialize.

Do enjoy your life; you are entitled to do this.

Do develop single friends.

Do not worry about whether you are in the right place emotionally; you are exactly where you ought to be.

Do remember there are no “shoulds” in bereavement.

For Friends and Family of the Bereaved:

Do stay supportive of where the bereaved is emotionally.

Do restrain yourself about offering unwanted and undesired opinions.

Don’t tell your friends to give away the clothes until they are ready to do so.

Don’t offer advice if you have not walked in their shoes.

Don’t try to talk the bereaved into some other emotional place; be respectful of the emotional place they are in.

Don’t be judgmental and critical.

Don’t say, “Isn’t that a big house for you to be in by yourself?”

Don’t say, “Why don’t you move to a smaller place?”

Do recognize that the bereaved might be very comfortable in their home and want to stay there.

Don’t give “advice” unless you are asked.

Don’t make harsh judgments if you have no feeling for what the bereaved is going through.

From the book, The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter written by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Dr. Jeanette's "Live at the Edge" Radio Show

Listen to the conversation at: http://www.moosemeals.com/edge.htm.

Gloria Lintermans is a guest on Dr. Doris Jeanette's Internet radio show, "Live at the Edge". Find out not only the importance of, but how when mourning loss to stay in the hurt, pain and grief so that you can, within time, transform that emotional reality once again into a life of purpose and joy.

Lintermans, the author of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, offers important, comforting tips for managing the day-to-day challenges of mourning.

After March 30, 2009, this interview will be available at: http://moosemeals.com/edge-library.htm.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Open to Hope Foundation

In keeping with the New Year, my gift to all grieving a painful loss is this introduction to the Open to Hope Foundation.

The mission of the Open to Hope Foundation is to help those who have suffered a loss to cope with their pain and find hope for the future. They are an online resource center for people who have experienced loss. Their vision is that all people who experience loss will be able to learn to live with their grief, cope with their pain, and invest in their future. It is their goal to provide information and resources for people who have experienced loss, provide a forum where people who have experienced loss can learn from and help each other, and provide educational grants and networking support for those whose studies are focused on improving the care of people who grieve.

I join Heidi Horsley, Executive Director, Open to Hope Foundation, in:
"Wishing you and all those in our bereavement community, peace, healing, and hope in 2009".

http://opentohope.com

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dating and Friendship for Widows & Widowers Worldwide

I have heard countless widows and widowers rightfully complain of their newfound loneliness.

While friends and family want to help, they often lack a real understanding of the widowers' world that only another widow or widower can. This may be why it is said that the widowed often feel most comfortable forming new relationships, be they for friendship or love, with other widows and widowers rather than the divorced who share an entirely different perspective on their being single again.

http://www.widowsorwidowers.com/ is a dating and friendship Web site exclusively for widows and widowers worldwide. It also offers informative links to support groups, recommended reading and other organizations of interest to bereaved men and women.

It is highly recommended. Check it out.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Helpful Tips for Managing the Holidays

While grieving we go through many firsts as important dates come up on the calendar. Whether it’s the first anniversary, birthday or holiday, it’s good to have coping strategies in place to rely on to help us cope.

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time. While we are used to being with our family members during this time, tragically, an important person in the family is missing. And while we take comfort in having family close—whom we depend on for support—often while in their midst we still feel sad or lost remembering past occasions and events because this time of year is particularly ripe with upsetting memories. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays, a difficult time of year for the bereaved.

1. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – Whatever way you might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements, unusual flowers, something that was not tried before. Asking the guests to bring a small gift for a grab bag. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past and not doing things exactly the same way.

2. MAKING PLANS – When the bereaved have too much time on their hands, they begin to think and reflect. Often painful thoughts will come up comprised of past memories and events that were shared with the one they loved. Making plans for the holidays help people cope with change and leave them with some structure and things to do. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. We are reminded at holiday time by advertising, music, sales and a great deal of visual stimulation so that it appears that everyone in the world is having a good time and a place to go. When plans are made, people often feel that they have something to look forward to and share.

3. LIVING IN THE MOMENT – Worries often increase when people go too far ahead in their thinking. If we learn to breathe and stay in the moment, we learn how to be just in “the now”. In this way, we can fully appreciate the moment that is “Now” and not some other moment to come. We can be fully present and observing just what is in front of us. This may sound simple but people tend to over-analyze and over-think too many things. An example might be that if we look at a flower, really look at it, we begin to notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. If we can look at every aspect of that flower as if it were the first time we can truly discover it. There can be great joy in living in the moment and not the past and not the future. It gives us a break from our thoughts and minds and allows us to appreciate the present moment we are in. Often we don’t have to do anything with it but notice it. It is a good break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – When we are grateful for life’s blessings and for what we have, we distract ourselves from what is wrong with our lives. We fixate and ruminate less on what is missing. Being thankful for our children, our healthy minds and bodies. Being willing to be appreciative all the small things in our lives that make up the big things. Our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply increases our sensitivity and awareness of the world around us.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise is a good antidote for stress through the holidays and stress at other times as well. Enjoying exercise on a regular basis is something good to include in our lives. Whether we walk, swim, bike ride or hike, moving our bodies allows us to be outdoors and observe nature. It often takes us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety which often accompanies early grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise that give our mood a lift. Exercise is often prescribed for depression and depressive thoughts.

6. NUTRITION – The bereaved often cannot eat, do not enjoy food, or may be inclined to eat too much or eat junk foods. Often the grieving person loses interest in food shopping because they don’t know how to shop for one, or they don’t want to cook for themselves. Appropriate nutritional habits are important through the grieving period because the immune system is down due to stress. Everything one can do to stay healthy is helpful. One of the signs that the bereaved is doing better is the indication that they care again about proper nutrition and make the effort to eat more than cheese and crackers. If a bereaved person was a caregiver and spent a lot of time cooking for an ill spouse they would have to learn to slowly convert this energy and give themselves permission to take good care of themselves. This is appropriate and not an indulgence. It is not selfish; it is good self-nurturing.

7. ADEQUATE REST – Sleep often gets disturbed during times of extreme stress. Being mindful of getting enough sleep is a good idea since sleep patterns can be interrupted. People often report that they may fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep. If one was used to sleeping in a bed with their spouse, there is an increased awareness of the empty bed. People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during high stress times. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea. It is important to not over stimulate the mind at least an hour before bedtime.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Calling and making arrangements for activities and having plans are useful for getting through the holidays. Friends and family can provide comfort, safely, warmth and love. Surround yourself with the people that bring out the best in you. Talk to your friends and allow them to include you in their plans.

Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less attached to being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life that care and want to be with you. Initiate a dinner or a movie or some activity to share. Be with friends or family members that help you decrease your stress not increase it and look forward to the fact that next year will be easier for you. It is the first experience of holidays that is the most difficult to get through. Encourage yourself to participate. Hopefully, next year will be easier and you will have more events to look forward to that bring you joy.